William Peskett

I was having a gander, and i came across this gem by William Peskett.

Mouse

The noises that we make are quite predictable -

the mouse is so ill it can only judder

in its tiny pain.

You said it was so pretty and ran upstairs.

You must have heard the iron on the step,

the lifting of the dustbin lid.

And I was so shocked-

on my fingers the little shame of urine,

the silent bravery of blood.

Thanks The Clinic.

The reason why you're "that guy"

Have you always wondered why no one invites you to those "uber hip" parties? People generally find you strange to hang around? The only love you make is self induced? Why Family guy is "soooo fucking HIlarious"? That's because your'e that guy, and I'll give a clear check list so you make sure, you're not one of those hopeless souls.

1. You're not funny

"Yeah, I'd fuck a rabbit"

Deadpanning life does not replace a personality, and if your try to pull this off, everyone will think your either; rude or retarded. Please stick to Family Guy, with it's RaNdOm quotes, and genius biting social satire. Apart from the fact the T.V show yearns for the eighties, a decade we never knew, or really want to.

FeSitval MAdnesS

Well, the time has come again where we can swim in mud, take drugs and sleep with strangers, yes it's FES-TIV-AL time. The festival you attend is basically a social statement for your age, hierarchy and level of of maturity, and this is how it goes.

Lattiude

You live a pleasant, bohemian lifestyle in suburban Highbury and Islington have two young children listen to Jazz, and have a lassiez-faire attiude to drugs. You probably have loved Belle and Sebastian for years, and basically dropped a load when you found out they were headlining.

All in all your nice folk, but BEWARE, we east londoners are savvy, poor and morally asbsent creatures, and will promptly be breaking and entering your properties during that weekend

( I hope your weekend of weed and expressive dance was worth it).

Glastonbury

The hunting ground for the Rah Rah lot. This overrated bundle of mud should be avoided at all cost, but like that genital warts infection, we kind of can't, so here it goes.

If you've been to Glastonbury since you were my age, I am very happy for you. I also do not give a flying fuck. Just because your old, doesn't mean I want to hear your aged stories,primarily as i envy the one about the threesome in the tent, yeah i know, its was totally different then, no aids blah blah blah. Thanks for that but remember this old fellow, nostalgia is only enjoyed when it's ones own, and i'd rather be creating my own story than listen to yours.

Reading

The number one cause of unplanned middle class teenage pregnancy.

If your from the south and are under 18, you need to go this one at least once. The potent mix of teenage revelry, sex and generally insanity, is a good one, and it's seems to be a bonding experience to all those who has steeped the weary journey, to the three day Armageddon which is Reading. All this is only true if your under twenty, around this age you realise that everyone at the festival is a twat, and setting fire to someones tent isn't funny, it's a prick move.

That rant was hugely self indulgent, but the crux of it is that festivals for we young are not only a weekend away, but also a rite of passage for many, so if go if you can, but if your pushing 25 please stop.